Homesickness Unearthed
10 Jun 2011 5 Comments
in Angst, Beyond Here
X is the imperfect place whose faults I forgive effortlessly, and embrace as part of a bigger better whole. The bad smells smell good because they are familiar. The dirty subway brings tears to my eyes. The graffiti makes me cry with joy. The anonymity among the crowds of pompous strangers is welcome, and carries me along. My angst evaporates, and I am free. I am afraid to admit how much I still love this place that is so far away, but I was swept up by its current long ago and have no choice.
Y is the place I now choose to embrace each day. I fake love, and hope the real deal will follow. Sometimes I succeed for a time, but then I remember X, my one true home, and my manufactured love for Y fades away. I wallow a while. I cry and I swear at the circumstances and mistakes that stranded us here. Then I bury the anger and sadness and adjust my attitude.
I sacrifice because I have no choice. My love of place is shallow compared to my love for my family. That love just is. It defies words. We intend to return to X one day. Just not today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year or the one after that. Our return is undefined and too far away to look forward to. I am afraid that when we make it back to X it will not be home. I fear the return that brings joy to my heart will tear their hearts into pieces which would be the saddest sadness of place I can imagine.
Or maybe we will be distracted by Z, the place we’ve yet to meet, and fall in love together…
Jun 11, 2011 @ 19:54:55
I, too, live in Y by default, but always dreamed of returning to my X. Many years passed and X now feels like a place to visit, not a place to call “home”. I’ve decided to concentrate on Z, a place I know I will call home and love… a place I look forward to finding. Not quite sure where Z is, but I have a few ideas. Good luck finding your Z (or returning to your X!).
Jun 11, 2011 @ 20:07:44
I hear and feel you with this post. It’s so full and heartfelt and sad.
I have worked so hard to make this Y a new X or it’s own thing all together- Q? I remind myself of all the imperfections of X, the reasons why we can’t be there now, the unique specialness of Y. I try not to think too much of X, or Z really, I want to seek out and create a lovely corner of Y that feels like home.
It’s hard, oh so hard. Keep writing about this!